The Giving...

So, the following lines sparked my desire to write this note:

"...I'm too old to be chasing burdens by the riverside at night
A watershed waste deep with friends turning cheeks
As I'm chasing trains that never end..."

As usual, I am going through something not the least bit fun, and it is times like these when I am reminded of who I am. I am NOT defined by what I do or how people perceive me, but only by the definition that exists within me. How I define me is truly all that matters and on the eve of my recent troubles, I notice that I am not satisfied with myself.

I have allowed myself to become passive: to not say what I think when sometimes it matters. Leaving doors open when they should be closed, being noncommital instead of decisive. It seems to me that if you want to be in my life, you should choose to actively participate and not be a willing bystander. Relationships, personal and not, are reciprocal and not parasitic.

I am truly blessed, honored and thankful that I have the people in my life that I do, that have lifted me up in this time of uncertainty and been the proverbial rock against which I lean. It is these relationships that will forge my courage in the fire of my fear. I do not thank you enough, give to you enough or tell you enough just how much your words and actions have humbled me and made me feel as if my skin shined like gold, like I had eyes of diamonds. It is an amazing feeling of love and kindness that I feel from you and small words such as these do not express my gratitude.

I am also proud to say that I am shedding the weight of wasted effort. People seem to think that I sometimes want more than I do because I make the effort to be there when others wouldnt. Insanity on my part? Maybe. But I choose to be this way and in selflessness sometimes comes the disaster of being rejected or taken advantage of.

I know that I am not a saint, on the contrary, I make plenty of mistakes. I do try to atone for those as soon as I recognize that a sin has been committed. As I see it, I have been given a precious gift. I have been reminded that life is sweet, precious and transient. It is to be lived, enjoyed and savored. It is not to be pissed away on the crumbling foundations of mediocre relationships. To work and enjoy it is one thing. But to never take any time for ones self is both inappropriate and cruel.

I vow to learn that some people are arrogant. That some people choose to believe that they are being chased for something they themselves are not willing to give. Instead of seeing an act of kindness for what it is, they are fickle and self-aggrandizing. Eventually, I have to learn that I cannot help or fix everyone. But it will not stop me from trying.

I still believe that I can save the world, one person at a time. The Butterfly Effect on which I am consistently found ranting WILL work, eventually. Call it naivete' if you choose; I call it faith. Those who strive to tear me down will not break my faith in my G-d, my way, or myself. I never give up, I am always here and I will survive this.