Woman Be Strong...

So, here I sit, as is usual for me: alone in the house, listening to the dark, vocal stylings of one, Will Hoge. At present he is singing "Woman Be Strong" and I am introspectively tumbling around inside my head. Please bear with me, as I have fallen victim to my own rambling nature tonight.

I can often be found sitting on the couch pontificating on the proverbial meaning of life. "What does it all mean?" or, better still: "Where am I going?" Two very grandiose ideas that I am no closer to understanding though I have spent countless hours dedicated to that subject matter. I feel as if I were floating in the empty. No definitive current in one direction or another, just aimlessly floating without a landing strip to stop every once in awhile.

Life feels very surreal to me. I get up. I go places. I do things. But I wonder: "Is this all there is?" I find myself wanting more. Not in a materialistic sense, but more in a social/emotional way. Though my profession is the least predictable of professions, I feel a monotony in it. And it is of my own doing, as I have worked to simplify my life to the point of being largely uninvolved in working altogether. I want to DO more to help people. Granted, there is a huge opportunity to help people in my line of work. I know that there are people walking around today that would otherwise be dead had I not been there. I am a good Paramedic and I have worked really hard to get where I am. But, I still find myself wanting. My favorite calls are the ones where I feel I have emotionally helped someone. I know I have helped someone when I have eased the suffering in their mind. The body is relatively easy to fix, but the mind...it is a conundrum of jumbling thoughts and memories and feelings.

I know I have been the way I am my entire life. I consistenly lock myself inside my head and float in that empty. I can usually be found there when one of life's hard knocks has whalluped me in the back of the head and sent me sprawling. I have been there for over a year now. I value the time that I have had floating there to learn many intricate things about my personality and who I am and what I want, but I have yet to figure out who I want to be.

Now, literally speaking, I know who I want to be. I want to be the person that other people seek out for advice, not because I necessarily give great advice, but because I can empathize. I want to be the person that changes the world one person at a time by infecting everyone I meet with niceties and engaging conversation that normally wouldnt occur with the rampantly running apathy in todays society.

I think I seek outwardly what I am lacking inwardly. Since my separation, I have felt somewhat apathetic. SO many emotions have usurped my proverbial heart, that I have been left vacant in my empathy for others. I know there are bigger problems out there and sometimes, I just can't bring myself to care about them. It is perhaps my greatest fear: to become apathetic to the suffering of others.

I recently had a discussion with a friend and I was telling him about the horrors of the job. That they are not, in fact, the decapitations, dismemberments and "stinkers". It is the look you see in a childs eye on Christmas morning when youve arrived at their house, a poor replacement for Santa Clause, because they just witnessed Daddy beat the hell out of Mommy in front of the Christmas tree. It is a look of age and a plea for mercy to "please make this memory go away so Christmas isnt ruined for the rest of my life." You give of yourself to these people who need hope and solace and in doing so, lose a little part of yourself. This friend of mine said that I should keep my professional distance, medicine is, after all, a business. I recoiled. I feel that if losing that little piece of myself helps anyone survive those kinds of horrors, then its well worth the loss. Or, perhaps, that is the justification for knowing that there is no professional distance in a situation like that.

The only "give" I have left in me is the "give" at the job. I feel I cannot abandon the people that call on me in their hour of need and so, at a price, I ignore myself.

On my last interview, I was asked to tell the interviewers who I was as a person and I honestly didnt know what to say. I settled for: "I'm getting a divorce, and that leads to reevaluation. When I figure it out, I'll let you know."

I strive everyday to do something nice for one person. Something I dont have to do but something that enriches someones life in some way. In trying to do that, I retain the hope of the person I wish to be inside. I, for some insane reason, feel like there is a wildly spinning clock controlling my life. Like I dont have the time to accomplish the things I want for myself. I have deduced that this feeling of constraint and a rushed hurriedness to "live" stems from a decision to start over. My life had a direction when I was married. My "fairytale" (HA!) was at the "The End, and they lived happily ever after" stage...and my happily ever after became separation and embittered feelings of insecurity. Perhaps I feel rushed at having to find, nurture and live all over again. My life died and I have mourned it sufficiently enough to start over. Now is the time I emerge from the black, empty I have created to comfort me and shine.

But I feel as if I have an appointment to get to and I am standing at a bend in the road with 5 routes, like the tines of forks, splitting in plethora of directions. Which one do I choose and will that path be the path of enlightenment, grace and love? Who will I become?

And as for what I want for myself, I choose true love. I choose to continue to hope that it exists, that I will find it and I will not settle for less until I do. I will not let the cynicism of the world overtake me and I will not let my fear of that pain be a barrier in my journey.

I dont have to become ensconced in the societal norm to live fully. I will be who I want to be, whoever that is. Woman, Be Strong.